


im not fine, im not alright and you would know

by LaVie_EnRose



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Brief mentions of alcohol use, M/M, They love each other, and vernons soft for seungkwan, crush inspo, haha - Freeform, it rains, its cute i promise, its short dw, its soft, ok uh, read if u want, seungkwan aint healthy with the coping, seungkwan just loves him, theres o n e f-bomb, they kiss, uh, verkwan babyyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25411153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaVie_EnRose/pseuds/LaVie_EnRose
Summary: he wants to feel anything but this.this sinking in his gut when he sees vernon the next hour and he takes a seat besides seungkwan in the car they take to visit the hair and makeup stylists."you havent been coming home, seungie.""yeah. just practicing." seungkwan whispers, afraid to look at vernon. does it anyway. and he's struck with the same thoughts he'd been running from before.you're so pretty i could kiss you.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Kudos: 79





	im not fine, im not alright and you would know

seungkwan doesnt consider himself a dancer. not by any means. hes ok. 

hes a vocalist. 

been singing till his voice goes out in the night, dancing till the suns come up. recently he moves and moves and even after practice with the members, when each of the dance line is gone after 2 in the morning, he stays. dims the lights. pulls out his bluetooth speaker. blasts it so loudly he cant hear his own thoughts.

he just _moves_. 

till his alarm for 6:15 goes off a little later and he realizes he's been shaking this whole time. 

he wants to go home. 

but he'd rather just stay and wait. 

lie and say he got there early. 

its not like hes been getting much sleep anyway.

his rooms far too hot. 

vernon somewhere pretending to be asleep in the room over, vernon who texts him to come lay with him after some time and he has to move. he has to leave. he cant keep doing this.

all alone, he belts notes, cries like hes hoping his heart will crawl out of his chest and wipe those tears away for him. feet throbbing, exhaustion setting in after a schedule and he'll nap a bit when his bodys gone lax and his vision dark. just a bit. be up and head off to the practice room alone. all alone he'll spin and work his body till he cant breathe and even then he needs to move. 

feels like hes gone out of his mind.

everyday feels the same.

everyday nowadays he tries to hide. 

sometimes he gets drunk too. 

not very idol like, but it helps him to forget.

and the next morning or the morning he greets after dancing with a shout and a slam of his head to the wall facing the sun in the practice room his head starts to ache. but at least his heart doesnt anymore. 

s'what he tries hard to tell himself.

over and over he whispers, "im fine. im alright." 

but he cant stop hearing chwe hansols stupid laugh like the music in this very room and he cant stop seeing those honey colored eyes staring down at him, like he wants to say something, takes seungkwans wrist with cold fingertips, sending a shudder through the older boy before he just cant do it anymore and pulls away from him. 

takes a miserable swig of whatever he was drinking off to his side. 

he cant feel much at all.

he wants to feel anything but this. 

this sinking in his gut when he sees vernon the next hour and he takes a seat besides seungkwan in the car they take to visit the hair and makeup stylists. 

"you havent been coming home, seungie." 

"yeah. just practicing." seungkwan whispers, afraid to look at vernon. does it anyway. and he's struck with the same thoughts he'd been running from before. 

_you're so pretty i could kiss you._

"you do well enough already. theres no need for all that practice." vernon says back, takes the older boys chin in his hands so that seungkwan has to look at him. so he can ask whats wrong and get an honest answer from the red haired beauty but seungkwan refuses to look any further.

"thanks." he mutters, brushing vernons hand away. turning to stare out the window the rest of the ride there.

and later when they've all practiced and left him alone he does what hes seemed to do and he moves. 

hates how much he missed vernon in all the time they've spent apart. 

hates how no matter all the time he spends dancing and humming odi odi ohios it seems that the time passes too slowly. like its nothing at all.

hes been letting his body feel the music, each beat and melody and the way that he's feeling, sad, anxious, hates how anxious he was, head and body letting it out but a bit of all of its stuck with him. 

despite all that time.

he should've know. 

love doesnt just leave you so easily. 

hes in love and hes been in love and he'd been stupid enough to hope he could dance it away but chwe hansol is in the lyrics he sings. in the movement his body takes, the sun that shines through the window. vernon is the sweat dripping down his face, the hopeless tears following after them. 

hes in love with him. 

since they'd met in the old practice room. 

since they were practically kids. 

and he'd watched him grow. 

so fucking cool and funny and handsome, talented and passionate and caring despite everything that seungkwan was. always near. always there with him. seungkwan couldnt imagine losing that friendship. realized that without vernon there wasnt much reason for anything. that time was endless and slow and no matter how hard he tried to run away from it he stood here with nothing, heart racing, soles aching. 

everything aching. 

his heart _hurts_. 

he wasnt fine. could never be alright without vernon to fit right into the side of his body, to hold him at night and kiss his forehead before sleep. bring him towels before showers. sing terribly for seungkwan when he cried. hug him after dance and tell him how well he'd done. 

he needed him. 

without vernon and his love what was there for him?

really so sick of putting off that love. 

and its the weirdest thing. 

the fact the he cant see the sun today even as his alarm goes off. 

its gray. 

the room, the sky, the cold despite the sweat that tapes his shirt to his body. its raining out. its cold. and nothings good, alarm still beeping. 

he takes a heavy seat on the ground and cries again.

can hardly care for the music playing or the lyrics or any of the melodies hes heard for days.

"seungkwanie why are you crying?" vernon asks him. 

"because i love you." seungkwan sobs, curling into himself and crying even harder when he blinks his eyes open to find that vernon really is there. not just the voice he hears each time that he thinks or sleeps or breathes. 

vernon with his chocolate hair soaked and sticking to his cheeks, falling into his eyes. eyes looking fond. maybe.

looking like he wants seungkwan too.

shoves the water dotted umbrella away from the two of them before taking seungkwan himself and pulling him into his arms. silencing him with quiet hums and a gentle press of his all too cold hands to seungkwans neck. to keep him there. to press into when seungkwan sniffles and apologies into his chest. 

"vernon, i love you." seungkwan hiccups. pulls away far enough just to get a look at vernons face. and its almost like they've swapped roles now. without looking at him the younger boy strips off his jacket and wraps it around seungkwan who'd been shaking from the cold seeping under the door into the room. 

vernon who buttons it up and wipes his face. 

vernon vernon vernon. 

vernon who finally after an eternity of a second meets his eyes, takes a breath and seungkwan whines one last time hoping vernon hears him, a miserable, " _please_ , i love you-" 

and vernon kisses him. 

cups seungkwans face in his hands before pulling him in and kissing him love. the smallest noise leaving seungkwans lips when vernon leaves a trail of kisses along his cheeks and over his eyelids, his nose, his mouth, each more gentle or more desperate than the last before leaving a stupid, "i know." against his lips but seungkwan can forgive him because all the kisses that come after melt him down and swallow him whole sorta like hes always wanted.

"you've stopped crying, seungie. " 

"s'cause you're here." seungkwan says like a sigh, watching vernon kiss his hands too, held between them. " hey, you're pretty. " he mutters.

"so you've said." vernon jokes. brushing seungkwans bangs away so he can kiss his forehead just once. almost forgot to. 

"never." 

"i love you too." vernon says, like seungkwan had never heard it before.

" i know. " and that, that makes the both them laugh. 

eventually seungkwans body remembers that sleep exists. maybe because vernons there, it goes back to functioning how it should. hes sore all over. no longer aching though. pliant under vernons lips and warm with the heat of the younger boy against him. listening to the rain. vernons humming an off key, odi odi odi ohio. the same thing seungkwan had been humming for days now. for no reason at all. 

before sleep. 

till the sun had come up. 

"i love you." seungkwan says now, a bit slurred. eyes heavy. shutting just before vernon says it back, kissing him softly. just one last time. eucalyptus scent and cold hands slipping under his knees before picking him up and taking him home. 

despite the rain. 

despite the sleep and the time and all the time before that. 

theres vernon now. 

hes home. 

he takes him home and seungkwans never felt better, danced out and loved. seungkwan singing a melody even in his sleep that he'd heard time and time before from vernon who kisses him when hes woken up in bed with the younger boy wrapped around him. 

"hey beautiful."

he doesnt feel that he needs to say anything. 

nothing besides a content, "m'fine now." 

"i know. " vernon hums looking at seungkwan and those same eyes are smiling down at him now.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by crushs ohio, super good song. and i've been loving verkwan cause i miss them and if what they have aint love i dunno what is.


End file.
